So you think you are ready to own a horse?

A friend of mine jokingly tagged me and a fellow equestrian on Facebook saying that we live a “magical life.” It’s true I do, but my version of magical is the inner sanctum of hell for the majority of the population. Loving horses is a mental disorder. To the non-equestrian the amount of time and money alone we devote to a sport that will most likely ever only earn you a fifty cent ribbon is unfathomable. How many people actually risk their life on a daily basis in pursuit of their passion, competing through injuries, and completely ignoring doctor’s orders, because life without horses is no life at all? You don’t have to be an equestrian to suffer from the insanity, but once your mental health begins to get the better of you, how can you be sure that you are ready for that next step? So I decided to make a list of things you should consider before considering horse ownership.

1. Do you have the ability to light $6,000.00 cash on fire without remorse? Can you do it a second time on demand?
2. Can you say “my bad, I wasn’t paying attention” if a friend were to purposefully drop a 100 lb weight on your foot while you were minding your own business?
3. Are you ok with paying the equivalent rent for a one bedroom apartment for a 12 X 12 box filled with pine shavings every month? Could you consider it a steal even?
4. Have you ever wished your bicycle could make bad decisions?
5. Is contemplating life while shoveling large piles of excrement something you find relaxing, enjoyable even?
6. Would you volunteer for a never ending suicide watch for someone that is on a constant search for news ways to permanently maim or kill themselves?
7. Have you ever wished you were the parent of a 1200 lb toddler on a rampage?
8. Would you consider jumping out of a moving vehicle traveling 25 mph a fun way to spend your Saturday? Would you try it again after the first time?
9. Would you like the challenge of a sport where your “equipment” could choose not to cooperate?
10. Do you know at least a thousand uses for baler twine?
11. Do you love that scratchy feeling of hay in your underwear?
12. How do you feel about purchasing an $80-160 pair of shoes every four to six weeks?
13. Do you know what a bean is?
14. Do you know what part of a horse’s anatomy a bean comes from?
15. How do you feel about going elbow to shoulder deep inside a horse to retrieve said bean?
16. Has a friend ever hit you full swing with a baseball bat?
17. Were you still friends after the baseball bat incident?
18. Did you still offer to be said friend’s personal chef, servant, and masseuse after the baseball bat incident?
19. Do you have any idea how much $hit a 1,200 lb animal creates in a day?
20. Do you have any idea what to do with that much $hit?
21. Have you dreamed of a career as a home repair/construction worker/fence installer when the job pays $0/hour?
22. Did you know that horses and ponies are the equivalent of an F2 tornado encased in fur?
23. Are you prepared to repair tornado damage to your property and infrastructure on a weekly basis?
24. Have you ever wanted to work a second 40 hour/week manual labor job for no compensation?
25. What is your pain tolerance?
26. Do you have a healthy liver that can tolerate large amounts of pain killers?
27. Can you handle the anxiety of caring for a relative that could die at any moment from a bad case of gas?
28. Can you stay up all night walking ten to twenty miles because your family member has bad gas and still report to your day job the next morning?
29. Is getting up at 4 am on a weekend to scoop excrement, bath a furry tornado while personally smelling like a yak, dragging around hundreds of pounds of equipment/feed, all in the pursuit of a fifty cent ribbon your idea of a good time, a vacation even?
30. Are you physically fit enough to go on a five mile hike that spontaneously turns into fifteen miles when your “friend” freaks out at the native wildlife and leaves you stranded in the wilderness?
31. How do you feel about the walk of shame?
32. Have you ever dreamed about being too busy, tired, and physically exhausted to maintain a social life?
33. Do you feel financial stability is over rated?
34. Are you prepared for the mood swings of 1,200 lb female with the destructive power of an F2 tornado when she is on her period?

If you feel confident in your abilities to handle the scenarios above, go ahead and schedule an appointment with an experienced mental health professional. They will be waiting for you with a sparkly helmet and straight jacket and maybe even some good drugs.